Happy Wife, Happy Life...and other Lies

If you're a wife and already scoffed at the title of my article, please humor me, and read on. 

If you're a husband and finally feel seen, I see you. I see you in the majority of the men that come into my couples therapy sessions looking like they are ready to hear, again, why they are the problem. What's better than one woman telling you that you are the problem? Two women telling you that you are the problem. Am I right?

Growing up I heard adults say the phrase, "happy wife, happy life." I noticed at a very young age that it was usually said by men to other men when they were describing situations where they did something just to make their wife happy. Sure, it was meant as a partial joke but what happens when that phrase actually becomes a consistent theme in your relationship over time? 

One potential problem with the "happy wife, happy life" way of operating is that it only works if your partner also cares if YOU are happy as well. What happens when you don't agree with your partner or want to buy something or make a decision that is going to make your partner unhappy? Do you pay for that decision later? Is there no sex, love and affection given for days (weeks)? Is there silent treatment? Is there conflict and guilt until you ultimately make a decision that makes the other person happy? Remember...Happy wife, happy life? Right? Right?

This is where I very often find couples that come into my office claiming that they are not getting along, they don't feel connected or that their partner is constantly angry at them. The lesson some people have yet to learn is that their partner's job in life is not to make them happy. Surprise! You are responsible for your own happiness and your partner's job is to make themselves happy, hopefully resulting in two happy people who bring that happiness to their relationship. This requires communication about your needs and wants in life and in your relationship. It requires listening to your partner's thoughts and requests. But even more importantly it requires each partner to look inward at themselves and take ownership of what they are bringing to their own life as well as their relationship. This is the meat and potatoes of couples therapy and where I love working with couples to have both partners feel more heard, validated, connected and emotionally intimate with each other. The definition of intimacy (according to the American Psychological Association) is the "interpersonal state of extreme emotional closeness such that each party's personal space can be entered by any of the other parties without causing discomfort to that person." Most people are surprised to know that conflict, if done well, can result in one of the most rare, elite forms of intimacy.

I would advocate for changing the phrase "happy wife, happy life" to a more accurate, balanced, emotionally healthy version of "happy self, happy partner, happy life." There's no reason that one person in the relationship needs to concede in disagreements just to keep the homeostasis of the relationship. Both partners need to take up space in their relationship. Both partners deserve to have a happy life.

If this blog post is triggering to all the wife's out there, I hear you. And you can certainly dismiss my thoughts as rubbish and continue your internet search for another couples therapist. Perhaps, these couples therapists are the reason so many men are dragged kicking and screaming to couples therapy. Or, you have the choice to sit with the words in my blog post and think about why they bother you. Sometimes the things that get a reaction from us or make us uneasy are the body's way of telling us that there's something there we need to look at and address within ourselves.

Finally, I recognize the phrase "happy wife, happy life" is thickly laced with gender stereotypes and does not accurately reflect same sex marriages and gender roles that are ever changing and present. But the overarching theme holds true. Happiness is an inside job. Both partners are required to communicate what their needs are, listen to each other and hopefully create a couple relationship that is fulfilling to both partners.

Happy self.

Happy relationship.

Happy life.